15. Mind-guy heading for redundancy

Based on my journal entry from February 19   2015

So, do you remember I was basking in the sun at my secret beach? And do you remember there were other moments of mind-noise? Remember I briefly mentioned future scenarios? Do you want to know what they were? This is pretty embarrassing, but get ready for a good laugh.

The upcoming movie reel is brought to you by my mind-character, whose picture you see here. (It’s obviously an aspect of my ego.) You understand that my mind-character needs to feel in control by planning for every possible eventuality.….. he has a clipboard, and a long list!

So here goes:   He’s busy planning the catering for the book launch. He’s trying to figure out how much the book might cost. He’s got ten different ideas for the cover. He wonders what’s the best color to wear on TV. He’s thinking of a venue for the book launch. He’s making a list of all the newspapers to contact, and when. He’s got some radio interviews in mind, and wonders who to call. He’s starting the list of who to invite to the book launch. He makes a note that he’ll need to research what the heck you actually do at a book launch. He’s thinking what questions Oprah might ask me, and what I might reply.

Seriously, he’s totally out of control!

Think of the Nina Proudman character in the fabulous Australian series Offspring. Think of Ben Stiller’s brilliant character in the film The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. My mind-character is right up there with them. I don’t suppose any of my readers do this?

I thought I’d given up this scenario-making a while back, so I guess this mind-character is under stress now. Now that I’m more often being present in the moment, I’m experiencing synchronicity and the easy, often surprising resolution of my questions on a daily basis. Things just seem to pop into my head. These resolutions are always better than what ‘he’ usually thinks up. I’m experiencing a deep knowing now, rather than thinking.

I’m pretty sure he knows he’s almost out of a job. Indeed, he’s heading for redundancy, so he’s clamouring for attention and trying to get in my face. It’s like my mind-character has no idea what to do with this vast well of effortless inner knowing. He’s more into effortful forcing, running around madly with his clipboard and his super-complicated but limited way of doing things – ‘that’s the way we’ve always done things here Barbara, and don’t you forget it.’ So he ‘hijacks’ the pure energy coming to me. He says ‘Well I don’t really know what to do with the enormity of all that, I am after all only a little kid in disguise. I’ll try to put all that into hundreds of little boxes for you. I’ll apply my Little Kid omnipotence and feed you an endless stream of scenarios, both positive and negative, both past and future. I’ll feed you heaps and heaps of exhausting thoughts.’

I know this is not relevant now.

So again, I practise mindfulness. I think my Mum’s been doing this for years when she says, after a rare bout of low mood or self pity, “I gave myself a good talking to.”

I take myself firmly yet gently in hand, have a kind of internal conversation, and bring myself back to the present moment:- ‘Thank you. That worked well in the past. It’s not helpful now. You won’t ever know about this new world I’m in. Your rules don’t apply here. So – just – stop.’

I can’t quite handle a complete vacuum, so I rigorously apply the self-discipline of replacing it with this affirmation, repeating it at times throughout the day, “I align myself with the greater awareness that is driving the outcome of any situation.”

The sun is warm on my skin, there’s a gentle breeze, and the pelicans spread their wings wide as they skim the water.