22. “Let it Go, Let it Go”
As I said earlier, before my digression into “Releasing Feelings 101”, I had been at work experiencing some crankiness, and then some water started leaking out of my eyes on the drive home. I know this is related to the grief process I’m going through, so once at home, I release the feelings that have obviously been bubbling to the surface today. How do I do it today? It’s quite simple. I surrender. I just FEEL it. As Elsa sings in the movie “Frozen”: “Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back any more,”
Probably not a pretty sight – It started with the anger, so there was some beating on cushions, (I would put up a punching bag in the garage if only I had even a modicum of upper-body strength), some not-very-nice words, there were tears, definitely some snot involved, and what’s that funny wailing noise? ….. Oh, it’s me. Underneath that anger was a deep, deep sadness.
And soon ……. the peace. Ahhh, sweet release.
And then an insight comes in ……. “LOVE ……. IS ALL ………… THAT MATTERS.”
I’ve known for a long time that whatever wonderful or mundane things I do or ‘achieve’ in the world don’t matter one bit. I can do all that, but I’m not attached to that – what matters is the love I have for myself, my kids, my grandkids, grand-dogs, my Mum and siblings, my friends, colleagues and people I teach. None of this doing, creating, achieving, trying to identify and writing my thoughts on the blog, sharing or not sharing of the book in the world – none of it means anything at all. The contracting/ labour/ to-ing and fro-ing/ gosh it’s endless – ongoing labour, never-ending cycle. All that matters is the full expression of Love, and that most precious thing I once got to experience, that thing I came here for – giving and receiving a true and real love.
That’s it. That’s what matters.
I’m reminded of the words from the musical Les Miserables: “To love another person is to see the face of God.”
It’s about that feeling I have now of my heart wide open and hurting, not just for myself in my sadness, but for everyone who’s suffering or living in fear. I feel completely emptied out by this grief tonight – I can hardly walk off to bed. It feels like the flu. Stripped bare, raw, fragile-wobbly like a new-born calf. I drop into a sleep of complete oblivion.
This so resonates with me, dear friend. I started knitting beanies in April ’15 on a trip to visit family in NSW & Vic.. I am now on beanie number 10!!! I’ve knitted through the dying days of both my Aunt and Mother…. still knitting! I give them away, they are an easy project to do, I can pick it up when I feel the need and put it down without feeling guilty at not achieving little or much. My thoughts of sadness, disappointment, hurt and even anger are wound up in those stitches. Once completed they are moved on and distributed to all and sundry – some to family, some put in the Salvos/Save The Children collection bins! It works for me. Love Helen xo
Thank you, dear Helen, for sharing your resonation. I agree that knitting as therapy is one of the world’s best kept secrets. Isn’t it wonderful how something inside us draws us to do exactly what we need at the time?