22. “Let it Go, Let it Go”
As I said earlier, before my digression into “Releasing Feelings 101”, I had been at work experiencing some crankiness, and then some water started leaking out of my eyes on the drive home. I know this is related to the grief process I’m going through, so once at home, I release the feelings that have obviously been bubbling to the surface today. How do I do it today? It’s quite simple. I surrender. I just FEEL it. As Elsa sings in the movie “Frozen”: “Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back any more,”
Probably not a pretty sight – It started with the anger, so there was some beating on cushions, (I would put up a punching bag in the garage if only I had even a modicum of upper-body strength), some not-very-nice words, there were tears, definitely some snot involved, and what’s that funny wailing noise? ….. Oh, it’s me. Underneath that anger was a deep, deep sadness.
And soon ……. the peace. Ahhh, sweet release.
And then an insight comes in ……. “LOVE ……. IS ALL ………… THAT MATTERS.”
I’ve known for a long time that whatever wonderful or mundane things I do or ‘achieve’ in the world don’t matter one bit. I can do all that, but I’m not attached to that – what matters is the love I have for myself, my kids, my grandkids, grand-dogs, my Mum and siblings, my friends, colleagues and people I teach. None of this doing, creating, achieving, trying to identify and writing my thoughts on the blog, sharing or not sharing of the book in the world – none of it means anything at all. The contracting/ labour/ to-ing and fro-ing/ gosh it’s endless – ongoing labour, never-ending cycle. All that matters is the full expression of Love, and that most precious thing I once got to experience, that thing I came here for – giving and receiving a true and real love.
That’s it. That’s what matters.
I’m reminded of the words from the musical Les Miserables: “To love another person is to see the face of God.”
It’s about that feeling I have now of my heart wide open and hurting, not just for myself in my sadness, but for everyone who’s suffering or living in fear. I feel completely emptied out by this grief tonight – I can hardly walk off to bed. It feels like the flu. Stripped bare, raw, fragile-wobbly like a new-born calf. I drop into a sleep of complete oblivion.