7. My inner male and female

Hello again to my readers, and a warm welcome to anyone who has just joined me in my serial story, based on my journal entries from early 2015. As you see, we’re up to instalment number 7. You’ll understand the context of this one if you read numbers 1 – 6.

Based on my journal entry for “The next day February 9 2015” :-

(after I’d been fully supporting myself, having signed the publishing agreement on February 6, to have my book Good Choice published. I’d then had some lovely dreams about eggs hatching, and new babies being born.)

“I don’t want to do this; don’t want to put myself out there. I’m too shy. It’s too much for me to expose myself. I just want to hide away. That ‘being an author’ thing—it’s just not you! What, what are you thinking?!”

Are you, dear reader, seeing a bit of a pattern here? I looked back over the process so far and put some plus and minus signs. It seems that there’s been four of each, alternating from one to the other like clockwork.

Are you, dear reader, feeling puzzled or frustrated by my process? Are you getting tired of this endless back and forth, and wishing to goodness she’d just accept it and get on with it? Or just forget about it, if it’s all so bloody hard for her. Maybe you’re thinking even more harsh thoughts than that?

I’ll try to summarize the process so far:  

That moment of sure knowing followed by direct, uncomplicated action felt to me like the truest and clearest essence of male energy within me. “This is what needs to be done … Go.”

It’s like a direct pathway from this place to that. There’s a road. There’s a car. Let’s go. Some men are brilliant at this. So are some women.

My particular action in this instance involves putting my inner self out there in the world in a very public fashion. Hmmm … In my imagination, I’m musing that this is a bit like the clear male energy of just naturally getting it out there! They go, “Hey-ho, Pa-pow! Take a look at this if you want.” After all, they’ve got the equipment for that. It’s a regular, beautiful and natural bodily sensation. I imagine it might feel not like a display or performance, but simply like true potency.

To-ing and fro-ing, dillying or dallying aren’t even relevant here.

So maybe some of you, men or women, may be getting impatient with me?

When I had this sure, knowing moment that I had to put my story out there, I simply did the research, signed the publishing agreement and got the process started. That’s the uncomplicated commitment to that direct pathway. “This is what needs to be done. There’s a road. There’s a car. Go!”

But the method of travel is not quite what you might expect. The car is running rough and won’t start straight away. There are bunny hops and backfires, and then some chugging and lurching as if the carby’s flooded. What seemed like a clear road actually has a number of boulders blocking the way, and even some massive fallen trees across both lanes.

All of these blockages and impediments are my own buried resistance, in all its many forms. “Resistance to what?” you may ask. It’s the resistance to my hidden feelings. It seems to me that once I follow the inner prompting to take a certain action, it’s only natural that all the buried feelings get flushed to the surface, hopefully to be looked at, surrendered, and transcended.

Of course, there is one way to avoid having to look at these buried feelings. I could choose to avoid taking action altogether; be stuck in inertia, avoidance or procrastination. But I’m too much of an adventurer for that!

To get through this stage of clearing the blocks I’ll need to swap metaphors, if you don’t mind. Manhandling fallen trees and boulders won’t work here. Not relevant. I’ll need a different approach.

Now I will need to access the truest and clearest essence of female energy within me. I will need to be trusting, firm, compassionate, ruthlessly honest, courageous and strong enough to go within and surrender to the feelings underneath each of these resistances before that original effortless instruction can become a reality.

          So now I’m in labour. (I told you I’d swap metaphors! Are you dizzy?)

Even though it may be tiring, time consuming, and relentless, we can’t rush these things ! It’s OK though. It’s a natural process. There’s no cause for alarm. And not to worry … I’ve got the equipment for this. As a woman, this is intrinsic to me. It’s a natural bodily sensation for me.

Like childbirth, there’s a contraction (the painful and unacknowledged feeling behind the resistance), which leads to an opening out, and a time to relax into it. Then comes another contraction (ooh, there’s another hidden feeling I’ve been blind to), followed by another opening out, and on and on it goes. The idea is to ride these waves, and simply be with them, not to become attached to the pain of the contraction, just let it wash through me, and remind myself, “This too shall pass” (a Buddhist teaching.) The trick is not to panic at how long it’s taking, or be alarmed at the frequency, severity and duration of these waves.

After all, the baby doesn’t just plop out in an instant! The labour will be as long and as strong as it will be. I can’t bail out and get off the bed once it’s started!                          It’s OK, though.

I’ve got this. I can do this.

Male energy, female energy, putting it out there, taking action, going within, surrendering to feelings: it’s all good, and all a natural and necessary part of the process.

For real growth to occur, both the clearest of male and female energy is required. They complement each other. Neither way is better than the other.

But same amount of balls for both.