8. My Whole Self
The next day February 10 2015 :-
So, where was I? Oh yes, having another contraction-thought. “I don’t want to put myself out there. That ‘being an author’ thing—it’s just not you!” (Have a look at blog post number 7, if you want the background to the notion of this ‘contraction-thought’.)
Of course, if you remember, it was straight after I’d sent the manuscript. Of course there’d be a contraction!
On this same day, I had ventured (big breath here…) to tell the very first person that I was self-publishing my book. It’s time for the next step; time for me to start saying it out loud – and not just to myself! I chose someone who has known me for a very long time. This person was intrigued, supportive, but also gently cautioned against ‘throwing the seed away’, and to be mindful of a possible arrogance of thinking one can ‘change the world’.
Hmm … there was a slight wobbly feeling of hesitancy in me. We both know that I have definitely thought like that in the past. There was a slight retraction and closing down. Be vigilant here. Maybe I needed to hold off a bit? I even revisited a part of my manuscript submission, the part where I write a letter to my readers, ‘How I Came to Write This Book’. I took out any bits that might possibly hold a hint of arrogance or being a know-it-all.
Be vigilant….. Tune in …..
In that moment I knew.
Yes, I have had consolidation of my 20-year-old insights. And yes, I understand that it is only a summary of my understandings up until now, and will probably change in the future. Yes, I know that other people have their own ways of growing and changing, each one perfect for them. And no, I can no longer procrastinate. And don’t even start down the endless track of approaching mainstream publishers, in the hope that someone out there will find this ‘worthy’ or ‘saleable’.
Just do it.
The time is now.
No, I’m not thinking I have the answers for everyone. I am simply one of many people writing about these things at this time. Like all the others, I am simply receiving insights and expressing them through my own unique life. The only thing I can even attempt to do is understand my own life, at the level I’m at in this moment in time. I am finally sharing my whole self, without holding anything back. Ooh, watch out, I think I may break into that Happy Feet song, where the cute little girl penguin sings, “You have to find your heart song.”
Here’s the link to the youtube clip about me Being My Whole Self, in case you haven’t seen it already.
If any of you are at a similar stage of starting to express your authentic self in the world, I’d love to hear your stories.
Tuning in further to discern my intentions about sharing my book, I remember that burst of love and compassion I had that prompted me to publish. It was real.
This person’s cautions? They’re just a reflection of my own remnants of self-doubt. Thank you. I see that now.
I choose to trust in me. No-one else can possibly know when it feels right for me. Even if I’m the only one who fully trusts in myself, I choose that.
I feel clear, steady and strong again. This is literally a bodily sensation.
I also repeat out loud one of my sideways sticky notes before I go to sleep. I’ve cleverly stuck these on an angle, so I can read them as I lay down on my pillow. (All mod cons here!)
“I align myself with the greater awareness that is driving the outcome of any situation.”
But again, I’m not completely familiar with that T word, especially in this new context of Narnia.
I ask for help with this trusting-business.
That’s it. That’s all I do.
I’ve since learned that this is what’s meant by ‘stating my intention’ to the universe.
P.S. A REAL TIME note, August 14 2015 – Progress on my book GOOD CHOICE – A SOUL’S STORY: A week ago I submitted the final copy and my ideas for the design of the front cover to my publisher. Just yesterday I received the e-proofs of all their designs. It makes it all so real now!